Well, the holidays are around the corner, and you know what that means? Itchy sweaters, spark-happy electric blankets, and everyone's favorite: cheap Star Wars toys.

[NOTE: When Darth Maul's head falls off in Sith-flip action, you know it's quality.]

Anyhow, this also means that HE is out. A criminal, if I've ever known one. With a long list of breaking-and-enterings, assaults, and child abductions; he stalks the streets laughing at our incompetence. "Ho, Ho, Ho" he bellows. Well, "Bang, Bang, Bang" my biceps reply.

The guy is a menace. Sure, he looks like a rosy shmuck with the consistency of a marshmallow; but don't let it fool you. He's a cold-blooded killer ... of cookies, milk, and childhood dreams.

Still don't beleive me? Little Mary ... I mean Molly wanted a lawn mower. Come Christmas day, she ran to the tree only to find a Barbie Mansion, three pairs of skates, and a jet-pack. No lawn mower. Santa ripped a child from experiencing the true beauty of fresh cut grass. (Even if Molly forgot that the Lennings were borrowing the push-mower that week.)

We need to drive this man from our homes and our hearts. America, we must act. Lock up your doors and windows, brick up the old chimney (They say fire hazard, I say safety), and replace o' Saint Nico-lousy in stories with Superman. And soon, the menace will be gone.

Join the resistance by signing up for our anti-Santa key chains. Nothing says the holidays like a pessimistic symbol on your side!

Acting against Mr.Clause's oppression,

MaryFay.